Ready for takeoff

January 9, 2009

Dear Family and Friends,

As Mary and I are getting ready for takeoff we realized that the journey to Elizabeth is about to end. The journey with Elizabeth is about to begin and will last a lifetime. If you are reading the blog many of you know the struggles with adoption and many of you have been on our 3 ½ year journey and we welcome the new members aboard.

I would like to take a few minutes to reflect on the journey. Besides I am on a plane for the next 16 hours between NY and Hong Kong and you know you I cannot sit still. There will be no names listed in this writing because I do not want to leave anyone out. Many of you have supported us with stories, actions or just listening and we would like to thank you for all you have done.

The journey started with Korea and we sat down at dinner with two close friends and asked if they would be a reference for us. They looked at us and knew we would make great parents and gladly accepted the challenged. Others assisted us with references. We thank all who wrote the letters and answered all the social workers questions. Over the next few months Mary collected all the paperwork. During that time Korea changed its policies so we decided to change to Vietnam. Mary and I wrote our essays, fingerprints (which apparently expire), and many other invasive processes and questions. They really wanted to make sure we wanted to be parents.

Many of you know me as impatient, demanding or pushy. I always wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. The delays in the adoption gave me a lot of self doubt. At a time when I was down a friend offered me so much support by saying that I am a good person, have a very strong work ethic and how I am going to love being a father. My priorities would change but that is ok because you will want to be there for her first steps, first car ride, and any other firsts. I realized that my “cathedral” view of where I saw myself and where I wanted to go left me a little lost and confused. I did a lot of soul searching which many of you listened to me and offered me perspectives of being a parent.

In the March/April timeframe Mary and I were so far down asking ourselves if we should continue with the adoption or retire early. One of my college friends had their first child a baby girl on my birthday. We were so excited for them and they shared photos and videos of their child. Other family and friends were pregnant and we shared in the excitement. Of course we would ask, What about us? I emailed a friend and said I am committed to be a parent. Some friends said, “Let go and Let God.” Or offered me inspiration to say I can only control what I can control and let go what I cannot control A friend took me out for lunch on April 4th, and he understood exactly where we at with the adoption and he talked about his journey to his daughter. After lunch I went back to my office and the message light was blinking. I sat down and ignored the message for about an hour saying what work problem now. Once I listened to the message it was our agency and they said they found a beautiful girl who needed a home.

I ran down the hall and stopped in a friend’s office and shared the news. I was so happy to hear it was a girl. I was just replaying and saying out loud what I had heard. I had no idea it would happen on that day. A few weeks ago Mary and I agreed on a name if it was a girl. We chose Elizabeth. I ran home from work and was so excited. I chatted with family and friends. Mary came home and I listened to her day and then I shared with her the news. In hindsight I should have been in the driveway with a huge smile. We envisioned our newly constructed house with Elizabeth playing. Over dinner the excitement continued. The next day we received pictures and she was conceived in our hearts.

All of a sudden the relationship between US and Vietnam changed its policies. We knew that the US paperwork had to be done by September otherwise we could get locked out. We were so nervous and had our paperwork submitted the next day. We waited and waited for the US to approve our paperwork. Finally on June 3rd, a friend’s birthday, we received word that our paperwork was received by the US Embassy. We celebrated my friend’s birthday and we were just so happy about this news. We believed that this started our “60 day clock which put our date to travel at the end of August.

As we waited and waited at the beginning of August we learned that our fingerprints expired. We worked with homeland security to have our fingerprints redone. We kept saying what else could go wrong (especially as we heard about other families struggling). On 9/11 we received our I-600 approval. Other friends who received their I600 approval were given their G&R date the same day. We received email that hopefully we would be able to travel in the October/November timeframe. Early in Thanksgiving I went on a hike with family and they supported me (not sure why I had to wear a brown coat with antlers in the woods). Then as we approached Thanksgiving we knew that window was lost. I reached out to a friend that Mary had met on-line from Canada. We were questioning again should we give up and hope that someone else could offer Elizabeth a loving home or keep trying? The friend from Canada helped us so much by sending us pictures of Elizabeth and had someone she knew write us a letter. A group from Canada adopted children in October so that contact wrote to us about Elizabeth and her personality – what a wonderful loving child Elizabeth is. It gave us hope to keep waiting. We found a friend who lives in NYC waiting for her daughter. We have shared stories and supported each other during the wait.

A few friends recommended Love and Logic series of books to read. I ordered them from the library and read them. When I was done I said Mary you have to read this. She has been applying the technique in school and says it has worked magic. We plan to try it at home. Another friend surprised me when I walked in from work with a book from Amazon. It gave a man’s approach to raising a daughter. I keep reading that book over and over again. I cannot wait to try out these books.

Today, we are on the plane. Many of you have helped me with patience, enforced the message to enjoy each moment. It is hard when we are racing ahead with our dreams and goals to take a minute to realize that our greatest gifts are right in front of us. Everything happens for a reason and I have enjoyed (even when I was down) the time you have spent with me. Support was given over a breakfast, walking for coffee, lunch, dinner, movies, desserts, walks, phone calls, email or IM. All of these moments are special and help define us as people.

I have learned it takes a community to raise a child and now I know Elizabeth is lucky because her daddy has been influenced by you. All of you have given me the gift of your time.

It is amazing how many of the people on the journey I have never met physically can make such a difference. The blog is modeled after another person’s who I emailed. We started chatting and I wrote something for her blog. A few weeks later she said someone found it inspiration that they used it as part of their Christmas Cards.

If we use the song from Avenue Q (play is not recommended for children)…”If you help others you cannot help helping yourself.”

Thank you all for your support on this journey. We understand that friends come and go but their influence will last a lifetime. We look forward to sharing our Journey with Elizabeth.